It’s Memories That Shape The Relationships We Value

My father, Joe, rolled into town 2 days ago for carpal tunnel surgery. Between the doctor appointments, tests, and lab work to prepare for his operation we had long blocks of time to reflect and reminisce on family events. Okay, we’re from Louisiana so in other words we told story after story of special times, victories in sports, great hunting trips and a parents perspective on the wacky things we did as kids.

At some point, Dad started telling of a conversation he had with one of my nieces, Amanda, when he asked if she had special memories from time spent on his farm. She went into great detail of the special swing Dad made for her and the other young ones in the family. Now this was a unique swing, not purchased from Home Depot or bought online from a high priced swing manufacturer touting the aerodynamics and safety features parents of today brag about. This flying platform was forged from a throw away piece of timber and an old rope. The excitement from more than 15 years before reappeared as Amanda told how, as soon as she and her cousin Brittany reached the farm, the first thing they wanted “Pappa Joe” to do was to hang the swing on the arm of the walking wheel he tied his race horses to exercise. The squeals could be heard across the hayfields as their personal merry go round spun counter clockwise. This adventure continued on even as their legs grew so long they had to hold them up to avoid making trenches from dragging in the dirt. To increase the adrenalin rush, when they thought Dad wasn’t looking they would stick their feet in the ground to stop the motion, causing tension to build on the rope as the engine pulled against them. At just the right moment their legs would fly up catapulting their version of a jet plane around the circle; seemingly close to the speed of sound.

When I look back on the shift from boyhood adolescence to the weight of my perception of manhood, my focus was caught on being the right dad or husband: the provider, the disciplinarian, the director, the protector.  What struck me as I heard this story told was that the true calling the men in our family have as fathers, husbands or friends was not on power, provision or protection but rather the memories we choose to create. 

Our children and wives yearn to laugh and be loved. They need to feel chosen over our toys, work, hobbies or other attempts of distraction or escape. Have we lost our ability to find ways to be playful with simple gestures like an unexpected card or phone call in the middle of the day? Giving our children a new laptop is meaningful; yet playing a game on the new machine reaches inside of their spirit so much more. Taking a night to sit and watch their favorite television show – without commenting on how what doesn’t make sense or appease your funny bone – creates a moment that is burned onto their relationship meter. This is our time to understand what is important to them instead of comparing what they like to what you like.

When was the last time you acted silly with someone in your family? These lighthearted, carefree experiences build bigger-than-life memories that sustain throughout the years. My daughter, Nikki, told me her college boyfriend asked her about special memories from growing up. She called to ask if we really played in our front yard ditch after a big rainstorm when she was four. I smiled and described carrying her to the edge of the water (which was only 18 inches deep) and then jumped in. We jumped and frolicked for 45 minutes until we were both soaked to the bone and exhausted. Fourteen years later we both still remember it, with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts.

Despite the blurriness of busy-ness, memories are never too late to be created. It’s the memories that shape, mold and anchor our relationships. They become filled with energy through play and laughter, communicated with care and concern, gaining texture with love and affection. Emotion is sometimes difficult for men to express. But gentlemen, it is our actions that show how we feel. 

Memories can either happen to us or be caused by us. The choice is really up to us.

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